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The Basics

Basics of Sexuality

I. What is Sexuality?

Sexuality involves more than just having sex or engaging in sexual activities. Your sexuality affects the shape of your body, the way you see yourself in the mirror, and the way your body feels when you touch it. Sexuality is about the person you feel you are as a man or a woman, about your sexual orientation and identity. It is about your body and the way you dress, move, speak, and act or feel about other people. These are all parts of who you are as a person, from birth until you die—throughout the duration of your life. Everyone has his or her own way of being or feeling sexual. In fact, many teens choose to wait until they are adults before they are ready to be in a sexual relationship. You are a sexual person just the same. Our sexuality is a natural and healthy part of the person that we are, and many people in our society try to hide this fact from us. Society’s attempts to ignore sexuality can lead to much confusion during puberty and after. People must be open to the fact that sexuality is an inescapable part of our everyday lives and cannot be ignored.

II. Choosing to be Sexual with Another Person We all have to decide when and if we want to touch another person in a sexual way, or express sexual interest in someone. If you decide to be sexual with another person, determine what your limits are and communicate those limits with your partner before you actually begin to be sexual with them. Sex can be hard to talk about, but open communication about sexuality will prevent potential misunderstandings and future problems. Remember that you have the right to stop sexual activity at any time if you feel you have reached your limits. If you can talk about sexuality, you will be able to learn how to make choices that are right for you! There are many ways of touching another person's body that feel good. But there are ways that you do not want to be touched and ways that you may not want to touch someone else. Being open with your partner about what you do and do not like will help develop your relationship into one that is full of trust, understanding, and pleasure.

III. Let’s Talk about Sex Communicating sexual thoughts and feelings to your partner, friends, etc., is a very important part of your sexuality. There are many things to realize when talking about sex, and knowing about them can help ease the tension and discomfort some people feel when discussing sex. Some key things to remember are:

Know your own ideals, body, and feelings. Take responsibility for yourself and what you choose to do.
Practice what you want to say with friends or in front of a mirror. This will help build your self-confidence and make it easier to say exactly what you want
Be clear about your beliefs and goals.
Be a good communicator. Listen to the other person and try to understand their view of things. Try to solve problems effectively, with positive feedback and suggestions.
Use “I” talk, so you don’t get steered away from what you want. Then listen to your partner and the things he or she wants. Discuss possible compromises if you do not want the same things. You can leave if there are no compromises that you like.

IV. The Mental Whirlwind

Puberty is a time when hormones rage, bodies change, and thoughts go from general to sexual. Sexual urges, whether they are fantasies, thoughts, or physical actions (such as masturbating) are completely normal occurrences. The taboos surrounding much of what happens during adolescent growth must be counteracted with the biological fact that these urges are natural. Boys notice their sexual changes more easily than girls do, since the male’s penis is larger than the female’s clitoris. Females may experience sexual feelings, but they are not as obvious as an erection of the penis. Girls may begin rubbing up against objects or tighten their thighs to stimulate themselves just as males do. However, female sexuality is just not as accepted or talked about in our society as is male sexuality. Yet both sexes experience very similar changes during puberty. They may begin to have strong emotions that they have never felt before, such as increased sensitivity, stronger anger impulses, and elevated anxiousness. They may also experience new feelings about sex, ranging from confusion to pleasurable sexual arousal that was never present before. To understand more about changes in males and females during puberty, check out our Time to Change link. Masturbation is also important to many pubescent males and females, because it is a time of much exploration and change. It is important to understand that all of this is normal; it is the way your body adjusts to the massive changes of puberty. Your body is getting restructured to be more mature, to be an adult.

V. Spontaneous Erections

Virtually every male has experienced random erections, called spontaneous erections. Sometimes erections come in sexual situations, but they can occur at the most inappropriate times: during an algebra test, in the locker room, etc. Many males never completely understand what is happening to them and dismiss spontaneous erections as some kind of inner problem that will eventually go away (and they do become less frequent over the years). Many males fail to understand that the erections are not problems but are, in fact, natural and normal parts of growing up and maturing into an adult male. They seem to pop up for no reason at all, even when there is no sexual arousal. They often cause much embarrassment and humiliation, especially if an unexpected erection occurs in a public place. Teenage boys get spontaneous erections because their hormones are surging and their bodies are adjusting to new stimuli. Spontaneous erections are automatic, and not under conscious control. That is why, when a boy gets a random erection while eating dinner, he can’t just tell it to go away. The situations where the spontaneous erections occur sometimes involve novel, tactile stimuli (as from a massage, the feeling of a new pair of undergarments, etc.). It is important to remember that spontaneous erections are not uncommon in males, especially while going through puberty. The frequency decreases naturally with age. Regardless, every male has these experiences during puberty. No one should think that it is strange or weird for boys to get erections for no reason at all once in a while.

VI. Nocturnal Orgasms

If you ejaculate while you are asleep, you have had a nocturnal orgasm. It is often accompanied by a wet dream, which is also a completely normal part of puberty. Most boys and men have wet dreams at some point in their lives. When their dreams are sexual in content, they may get erections and ejaculate in their sleep. Boys may wake up thinking that, because they are wet and sticky around their stomach or genital area, they have wet the bed. In actuality, they have ejaculated, or "come". Nocturnal orgasms are a normal occurrence for boys going through puberty, and they usually stop when males get older.

VII. The Stories…

On Masturbation:
One time a girl asked me why all guys masturbate and girls don’t. I explained to her that guys have a system: when you talk about going to the bathroom, guys and girls have a #1 and a #2. Where guys differ is they have what they refer to as a #3 (which stands for time for masturbating). You just can’t ignore the urges; you have to do something about it. During puberty, erections are very spontaneous and frequent; it is really easy and convenient to masturbate so the erection will go away!
Jesse, Age 17

I first masturbated around age 12 or 13. I started by noticing that it felt good when I rubbed my penis through my underwear (in the privacy of my bedroom or bathroom). I learned through trial and error (or, trial and success) that the ‘one-handed shuffle’ technique worked really well, and by the age of 14 I was probably masturbating once a week or so. The images I used while masturbating were primarily fantasies, very romantic in nature, being loved back, being told I was the object of a crush, and an ‘accidental mutual discovery’ scenario (through an ‘accident’ another person and I found ourselves in a sexual situation and just fell into it). These fantasies that I experienced reflected my confusion with sexuality and what our society has to say about the issue. I couldn’t talk about my feelings to anyone else, so fantasies were my means of silent communication. It was all pretty cute and naïve in retrospect.
Steven, Age 22

I first discovered masturbation when I was in 5th grade. I remember thinking to myself: “This is the coolest thing since Nintendo!” At that age, it was so novel; I planned my evening around it. It was more like a 30-minute ordeal each time. Nintendo and masturbation, I was so happy. But confused at the same time. It was something that no one talked about, so I had to hide my new discovery from everyone. It wasn’t until later that I learned that what I was feeling was natural and most boys that age go through a similar stage as mine.
Aaron, Age 20

I did not know what masturbation was until my first year of college. I mean, I was taught about it in sixth grade, but I never really understood what it involved, how to do it, etc. It was like a taboo in my mind; something that I was not permitted to talk about. I received this negative conditioning from my church youth group, which taught that it was a sin to even think about sex before you were married. I grew up with this thought and it affected me in a very negative way. It made me think that something was wrong with me, when in fact the thoughts and impulses I was feeling were all just a natural part of growing up. It would have been nice to know that masturbation is actually a helpful means of learning about your body and sexuality, as opposed to something that will cause you to loose brain cells and develop hairy palms, as many ‘old wives tales’ claim. Sexuality is a good and normal thing that everyone should be allowed to know about and experiment with!
Cristina, Age 24

On Sexuality and Growing Up:
I was so embarrassed about sexuality at first. I didn’t know what the heck was going on, because erections were so random and unexpected. I was afraid I would be caught in front of a class or friends and WHAMO, we have a visitor! No one really told me random erections were okay, so I had to figure it out on my own (feeling pretty sick and messed up along the way). The subject of erections among my peers was kind of like something you never spoke about, but knew everyone went through it. No one even wanted to say the word ‘masturbation’ because of the tension it brought to a situation. Eventually, when I started becoming more aware of my sexuality, I could fantasize about girls that I liked, having sexual contact in exotic places, etc. The content of my fantasies all depend on the mood I am in: sometimes, the fantasy may be romantic in nature; other times, it is about cheap, porn star-like experiences.
Tom, Age 23

I struggled with the validity and morality of my sexuality. Our society tells us that masturbation, sexuality, and homosexuality, are all wrong and will lead to devastating consequences. It felt right, but then I kept wondering if it was wrong and I was just tricking myself. Every time I thought that I had resolved an issue pertaining to my sexuality, I would hear or read something generated by my society on how wrong certain aspects of sexuality are. I quickly developed a perspective that allowed me to see society’s social rules in a healthier way, one that allowed me to express what was natural to me. But it took a lot of learning and self-development to reach this stage in my thinking and feeling.
Joan, Age 18

On Talking about Sex
I joked about sexuality with a few male friends from about 2nd grade on. I was fairly uncomfortable with talking about sexuality in an honest way (such as any doubts or questions that I had), so joking was all that I could do. After I ‘came out’ in 9th grade, talking about sexuality became a part of my image. I felt as if I was a figurehead for gay youth, and kind of detached myself from being sexual in order to convey truths about being gay to my community. I did this so much that my first boyfriend in 12th grade was quite surprised that I was sexual at all, because I had removed it from my image almost completely. I guess the older you get, the easier it is to talk about sexual issues.
Tom, Age 19

I first began talking to other people about my sexual experiences about mid-high school. My friends and I started making jokes about masturbation, such as saying “I’m going to need a minute alone” after a good-looking girl walked by, or "I need to go to the bathroom really quick"." As we got older, everyone just seemed to ‘fess up’ and talk more freely about it. As far as my parents, we have never been that open about sexuality. There was just no point to it. I really don’t think I will ever discuss my masturbation tendencies with my parents. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable.
Mark, Age 27

My family and I never really had a very open communication system about anything, especially things pertaining to sex. I learned about women having a period through the Roseanne television show. Perhaps that is why I never knew much about the subject until I got to college. It just wasn’t something that I felt comfortable about. I couldn’t even say the word ‘masturbation’ without getting red in the face. I think that it would have been an asset to know that my mom was there to help me through the confusion of puberty, instead of relying on books and friends to fill me in on what was happening to me.
Judy, Age 21

VIII. For More Information…
For more info on sexuality and sexual questions, check out these websites:
www.teenwire.com, www.goaskalice.com, www.members.aol.com/Sebringsil/sex.htm, www.siecus.org/teen/index.html.

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